As I sit here now and look back on what my life has become, I wonder why I allowed my life to become this horrible corner of hell. I know that I am to blame for at least part of it; however I can't help but wonder why? I spend more time than I care to admit afraid to leave the house, I spend almost every free minute of every day on the computer trying desperately to fill the holes in my heart.
I know that my grandmother is in a nursing home in PA and I feel lost knowing that chances are very, very good that I will never get to see her again before she passes. She is in a locked ward of the nursing home due to severe Alzheimer's disease. The last time I saw her, she was convinced that I was my mother in her younger days and my ex-husband was my father when he was younger. We took her on a walk around the nursing home and the whole time she was chattering on like a monkey as if she were talking to my mother. It felt really good; however I was torn in too many pieces because I really wanted to talk to her as ME, not as my mother. That hasn't happened since 2003.
I miss PA more than anyone will ever know right now. I told Joey that I don't want to go home for a visit; however I was wrong. I would love to visit PA; however aside from my grandmother I have no one to really visit up there. I can't see my daughter, since she was adopted in 2004, until her 18th birthday, so why go out looking for her now when it will do me no good? Even worse, I might run into my father, which would be a real disaster.
I can honestly state that I will never forgive my father any further than what I have already. He abused me in every possible way that a father can abuse a child. I told him that I was forgiving him way back at the age of 21 when it was basically required of me to forgive him or be responsible for him not healing himself. No child who has been abused should ever be made to face that kind of decision. Basically, he and his most recent wife had decided that it was my responsibility to take care of his mental health. I refuse to be held responsible for anyone's happiness anymore.
Do I ever wonder what would be waiting for me if I went back to PA? Of course I do; however I know that going home at this point is not possible. Hell, most of the people that I used to be friends with don't even acknowledge my existence any longer unless they want something. Of course, for some reason most of those relationships are no longer something that I want to be a part of anyway. Those are now just email relationships. I never get to talk to any of them and the only time I hear from them is when they have something they want to email me. Even my Christmas card list was thinner than usual.
The only person that I am related to that I have any contact with at all is my Aunt Peggy. She is my father's sister and she is the only member of my family who has even tried to talk to me since 2003. The last time I tried calling my father, it was to find out that he was not working in the same place that he had been and that no one knew how to get in touch with him. The last time I called him at home, his wife threw a fit screaming at him and at me asking how I got the phone number and what he hell was I calling her house for. I was calling to tell my father about my mother passing away. She even was completely bitter about the idea of me calling him to tell him that my mother passed away. She screamed during the whole conversation and made it clear that I was not allowed to call her home again. Every time I write to him, I get no response at all. It is constant radio silence from him and it hurts because even considering everything that he did to me, he is still my father and there SHOULD still be a relationship there, even if she resents it.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
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